


Cough Syrup

by StriderBabe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Depression, Nudity, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide, Triggers, warning: this wont have a good ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 05:02:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6224995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StriderBabe/pseuds/StriderBabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk hasn't been doing very well lately, and he really needs help. But he couldn't get any when he needed it most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cough Syrup

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide and Self Harm. I thought I'd do one of those deals where you integrate a song into the story.  
> I used [Melanie Martinez's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TSq2r20g1M/) version of Cough Syrup because I really love it.  
> You might want to grab some tissue or a friend for this one.

**Life's too short to even care at all oh**

“Are you coming?” Dirk stood there, holding his books close to his chest as he watched Roxy, Jane, and Jake walking in front of him. Class had ended not too long ago, and they were all heading over to the Lalonde house to hang out.

But he wasn’t feeling up to it. 

“Naw, I have to study for a test tomorrow.” The look of disappointment that flashed through Roxy’s eyes was enough to make him cringe, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. 

“Well… Maybe some other time then?” Jake and Jane weren’t even paying attention. 

“Yeah.” His lips curled into a soft smile, which quickly erased itself from existence the moment Roxy turned back toward the other two, leaving him there to wait for the bus. 

**I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control**

Dirk could run his fingers across the horizontal lines he had made on his thighs. Most of the lines were old, some of the lines were new. They were a variety of pinks, reds, and white, enough heat radiating from the recent cuts that he was able to feel it by hovering his hand above them. He liked them. He liked the way the razor felt against his skin, how he could actually feel the sting. How he could feel…

**These fishes in the sea, they're staring at me oh oh oh oh oh oh**

He stood there, shaking, his words caught on the tip of his tongue and refusing to come out of his mouth. Why did he even say anything? What was he expecting? A welcome committee? 

“I just… I can’t believe you would do something like this Dirk. You’re a straight A student and you’ve never had any problems before… What’s going on with you?” Bro was concerned. He knew that was why he was raising his voice, why he was pacing in front of him. He could see it in his ruby eyes, hear it in his tone. But why wasn’t he doing anything?

**A wet world aches for a beat of a drum, oh**

TT: I don’t think you would understand.  
TT: It honestly isn’t worth wasting your time with anyways.  
TT: But I’ll see you tomorrow.  
TG: dirk, wait  
timaeusTestified [TT] disconnected.

Why did he keep doing this? He needed help, he wanted help, but he just kept pushing everybody away.

Maybe he deserved it.

**If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away**

“Why do you keep pushing me away? I don’t understand what your problem is.” Roxy had finally snapped, just like he knew she would. But he couldn’t tell her how he felt. Nobody wanted a friend that cuts. That constantly felt like nobody wanted him around, even though there were plenty of people who were there for him. 

He wanted to die.

**To some fortune that I, I should have found by now**

“We’re friends Dirk. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?” After a while of sitting there unresponsively and letting Rox put her word in, he looked up at her, letting her slip her hand into his own. 

She looked so upset. 

Oh God, this was his fault. 

**I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down**

The Strider sat in the tub, waiting for the water to fill up. He watched it steam as it came out of the facet, reaching up and rubbing at his heated face. The tears wouldn’t stop falling, blurring his vision and making his nose run. 

He wanted to stop feeling like this. This constant, hovering sadness that wrapped itself around his head. 

Dirk needed to distract himself from this. He needed to let it out. And this was the only way he could help himself. 

He carefully picked up his razor blade. 

**Life's too short to even care at all oh**

“I’m going out of town for a couple of days.” Bro stepped into the living room where Dirk was sitting, moving in front of the TV and irritating the younger. “Will you be alright?”  
“Yeah.” It was short, sweet, and to the point. The older was always going on little business trips, so he didn’t see why he was making a big deal out of this one. He usually just left and texted him halfway through the trip. 

But when Dirk raised his gaze, he saw the same look of concern in his Bro’s eyes from before. It was unnerving. 

He knew that he was worried, but instead of saying anything, his bro just stepped toward him, rustling his hair as he planted a kiss on his forehead. “I know you’ll be alright. Just text me when you wake up in the morning.” With that, he moved away from the younger, stepping down the hallway to his room. 

**I'm coming up now coming up now out of the blue oh**

Dirk didn’t know if he could take this much longer. 

Jake and Jane sat in the booth opposite of him and Roxy, wide smiles on their faces as they laughed and giggled at some cheesy joke. He listened to the ring in their voices, glancing over at the Lalonde sitting beside him as she snorted loudly. 

He loved seeing them happy. They deserved to be happy. 

Why couldn’t he just be happy? 

**These zombies in the park they're looking for my heart oh oh oh oh**

TT: doing alright, kiddo?  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: how was your hangout? are you spending the night at anyones house?  
TT: It was fine. I’m at home.  
TT: okay. if you need anything, tell me  
TT: love you, bud

**A dark world aches for a splash of the sun oh oh**

TG: do u wanna come with us??  
TG: us amigos are going to the carnival  
TG: just tell me what ur plans are  
TG: where u at, sir prince of dirky?  
TG: dirk? 

**If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away**

Dirk didn’t want to go anywhere, let alone get out of his bed. 

He knew the ache in his thighs and on his arms would only get worse if he stressed the wounds to much. 

Plus, his friends deserved to have fun without him, because he would only be that dragging weight pulling them down the entire time they were out. It wasn’t even worth it if he knew he was going to bother them.

**To some fortune that I, I should have found by now**

Roxy was ignoring him. But he deserved it after that shit he pulled yesterday. He was such an idiot!! He could have at least given her a reason for why he didn’t go with them, but instead everything just blew back up in his face!

He sat on the edge of his bed, head in his hands as the blood pounded in his ears. His body quaked as sobs pushed their way past his lips, tears dripping from his cheeks. 

He deserved this. He deserved to be upset. 

**And so I run to the things they said could restore me**

TT: I’m sorry.  
TT: I wasn’t feeling well, and I should have texted you.  
TT: Please, don’t be mad.  
TG: I just  
TG: u r so confusing  
TG: I want to help u, I rly do dirk  
TG: but u wont let me

**Restore life the way it should be**

TG: so I don’t see the point in trying anymore tbh

**I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down**

Dirk sat there, feeling numb as he gripped the sheets of his bed. He knew that he was nothing but a burden, and now everyone has reached their limit. It made him feel sick, his face burning brightly as negative emotions stirred in his chest. 

Maybe he’d reached his limit too. 

**Life's too short to even care at all oh**

This was something he had thought about plenty of times before. He didn’t even see the point in writing a letter anymore, because it was obvious that nobody cared anyways.  
Why should he have to explain the way he was feeling to anyone? Why should he have to justify what he was about to do. 

**I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control**

The painkiller wasn’t out of his reach. He wasn’t a toddler anymore, and he was very aware of what could happen to him is he took more that the prescribed amount. 

Dirk didn’t even count how many pills he poured into his palm, curling his fingers around them before raising them to his mouth. It wasn’t an easy swallow, but the water helped.  
He stood in front of the sink as he lowered his cup, staring down at the running facet. 

Was this actually happening?

**If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away**

The sound of the tub running filled his ears as he stepped inside, running his hands over his naked body. This didn’t feel like him. He felt… distant, though, he couldn’t tell if it was because of the pills or because of his busy mind. 

**To some fortune that I, I should have found by now**

This was no time for regrets. He couldn’t think about Roxy. Or Jake. Or Jane. Or Bro. 

He knew they wouldn’t care. Everyone would be able to move on after he was gone. That was the way of life.

They wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t care. 

**And so I run to the things they said could restore me**

The water felt nice. It was warm. A nice temperature. He could run his hands through it and feel the smooth liquid against his fingertips. Feel the gentle waves against his exposed thighs. He got lost in the sound of the running facet, closing his eyes and letting the water rise, a half-hearted laugh escaping him. 

**Restore life the way it should be**

He couldn’t feel. Everything was numb, and it was getting hard to keep his eyes open. Dirk wasn’t sure when the last time he felt this lightheaded was. 

It was… an odd feeling. It reminded him of a time when he was small. When Bro brought a bunch of helium balloons to his birthday party. Roxy poked a hole in the side of one, and she, Jake, Jane, and he took turns sucking the air out of the balloons, giggling and saying weird things just so they could hear how ridiculous each of their voices sounded.

A sob escaped him, followed by a cascade of tears. 

**I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down**

This wasn’t happening fast enough. 

He needed to end this faster, to stop thinking, to distract himself. 

Dirk reached for the razor blade sitting on the side of the tub, raising it to his arm before digging it into the skin. He didn’t hear himself hiss, cutting a deep line from his wrist all the way to the crease of his elbow before repeating the action with his other arm.

**One more spoon of cough syrup now whoa**

He stared in awe at the amount of blood running down his arms, dripping into the water and dyeing it a red-ish color. His mouth was ajar as the sting of his arms subsided. The water around him stilled, save for the occasional drop of blood that disturbed the surface. 

He felt cold, even though he knew the water was warm, even though he knew his blood was just as warm.

**One more spoon of cough syrup now whoa**

The Strider drew his arms into the water, paying no mind to the sting of his newly inflicted wounds as they were submerged into the red colored liquid. He let his eyes fall shut, noting how slow his breathing was, but doing nothing to fix the irregular rise and fall of his chest.

He let himself slip lower and lower, his chin slipping into the water until the surface was just above his lips. 

It was only a matter of time, although he couldn’t tell how long he had been sitting there, before he fell into darkness. A peaceful darkness, where his thoughts didn’t bother him. Where he didn’t have to live with regret. Where that overwhelming black cloud disintegrated into nothingness.


End file.
